Being Authentic

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings

I came across an article entitled “Living Life in Full Color” which touches on the point that as children we’re “free spirits” not concerned with what others think about us. But, as we age, we’re more concerned with this and slowly conform to what is “acceptable” and by the time we’re adults, “we are barely aware of our lives stuck in gray scale.”

The article further suggested that just like during the Fall, when Mother Nature lets her “Full Color” shine, we too should follow her example and live our lives more boldly before it’s too late. Encouraging us to follow our bliss.

Personally, I don’t feel like my life has ever been stuck in gray scale because of “conforming.”

BUT, I most certainly get what they mean by the concept of being stuck in gray scale. For me it’s more because there have been plenty of times when my life was so busy I felt like I was in robot mode which I surely would consider gray scale. Always on the go, never taking time to just be, let my true colors shine or follow my bliss. Basically living life doing what needs/needed to get done, and ignoring any urge to be playful or creative because in all honesty there is/was no time.

As a creative person, getting stuck in one of those phases most definitely would throw my mojo off and could put me in a bit of a funk. But, I’m always aware of this and when this happens, try hard to do a little something to shake the “gray scale” off.

AND, since unearthing the CHALK Charmer during COVID shutdown, make sure I’m doing something creative every weekend, which refuels my soul for the week. I can go into robot mode, but not feel the “gray scale” because I let my “full color” shine over the weekend and a little of that rainbow lingers throughout the week.

As a matter of fact, because my creative wheels are spinning in the background during the week, plotting my next creation, I may not be living in full color, more like a tint of color or pastel, but it’s still there, even if just for me to know. To say I feel more alive since pursuing this creative outlet is an understatement. I still have days that I feel like I’m just dragging myself through, but I know the weekend will come, and my color will shine once again, which is my saving grace on those type of days.

As I pondered the article and the idea of “living in full color,” my mind meandered to the concept of “living authentically.” Wouldn’t that be the same thing?

OR, is living authentically taking “Living Life in Full Color” to another level?

OR, vise versa?

When I looked up living authentically, one definition was:
“Put simply, authenticity means you’re true to your own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you’re under to act otherwise. You’re honest with yourself and with others, and you take responsibility for your mistakes. Your values, ideals, and actions align.”

Based on this, I would say “Living Life in Full Color” is taking authenticity to the next level. In order to be authentic you need to know who you really are, but “living life in full color” is about exploring a little deeper into what really makes you tick. About stepping out of your safe zone just to see what else might be hiding within.

AND, one of the key factors in doing so means letting go of being concerned with what others may think of you which let’s be honest isn’t that easy. BUT, I have found the older I get, the less I worry about this.

Not that I don’t still have my moments, but in general I try to let “my true full color” shine. To be true to what makes my heart and soul shine. Which in all honesty was kind of the entire point of starting this blog when my Son left for college. To rediscover “myself” when my Son left for college.

After years of single parenting, parts of me definitely started to fade. But as I noted earlier, I was so busy I didn’t have time to give it a second thought. Once the house was empty though, and it was just me and my thoughts, those faded parts began to resurface. And once they did, I started to feel more like “me.” Not that I wasn’t “me” I just wasn’t fully shining.

It wasn’t like there was a flip of the switch and the “full shine” was back though. It definitely took work, exploring in particular the creative side of me that hadn’t been truly tapped into for years. Previously I did enough to get by.

Once I completely tapped into that side, I could feel my “full color” was working it’s way back.

AND, four years later I can honestly say I feel I am doing pretty good at “living life in full color” and loving it. Being true to me, AKA “being authentic”

Do I still have days when I feel a little gray scale? For sure, life can sometimes just plain tap me out. At those times though, I know I need to retreat, regroup and recharge my “colors.”

SO, as I get ready to sign off on my final post for “Waking the Woman” it really does feel like I’ve come full circle.

When I started this blog in 2019, I honestly had no idea where the journey of self re-discovery would take me. I just knew it was a journey I needed to take. Had COVID not hit, and the CHALK Charmer not been unearthed, I may not be where I’m at now, but taking the first step was really the toughest part. Being willing to look inside and be honest with myself about who I am, and what makes me tick was the catalyst that brought me to this point.

BUT, I believe this journey is never fully over though. In order to truly live life authentically in full color, there’s always more layers to peel away and explore as long as you’re willing to. Where I go from here is kind of the beginning of another journey. Especially the closer I get to retirement which will be an entirely different phase from this one, but one I very much long to experience.

So until then, I may have the occasional post, but for now, I am officially signing off from my monthly posts on “Waking the Woman.” Thank you so much to everyone who supported me on this journey, and read not just this blog regularly, but also my “Waking the Walker” blog which preceded this one.

Writing has always been very therapeutic for me, so I won’t completely give it up. I’m just not going to pressure myself to create a new post monthly when my heart and soul want to dedicate my time to my chalk art and where it will lead. I believe there is great prospect here with many avenues to explore.

Thanks again for all your support. It’s been a wonderful journey with you by my side.

Now go let your “full colors” shine too!

 © Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2023. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2023. All rights reserved.

Clip Art – © 123rf

#wakingthewoman
#mommemoir
#beingauthentic
#livinginfullcolor
#selfdiscovery
#soulsearch
#truetooneself

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SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE!

And that something is this month’s blog post.

If you read last month’s post “The Business That Has Become My Life” you’re aware that I have acknowledged I need to start lightening up on myself and my TO DO LIST.

https://wakingthewoman.com/…/the-business-that-has…/

AND, although I have a post started for this month, it’s far from complete because between OT at work, dealing with ongoing car issues with my Son’s card, the standard day-to-day, and my chalk art, time got the best of me and I had to surrender, acknowledging that I just can’t pull this one off this month.

In addition, although I thoroughly enjoy writing, since discovering my chalk art, my creative energy has been predominately focused on that avenue, which makes my writing seem more like a chore than a creative outlet, especially when the well is running dry with topics that relate to the theme of the blog.

So, I will not be renewing my domain name and premium WordPress plan when it comes up for renewal the end of January. 2023

This of course does not mean I won’t start another blog down the road one day, it just means with my Son now a college graduate, the concept of rediscovering myself while my Son is away at college is past it’s expiration date and time to let the blog site slowly fade into the sunset.

I truly appreciate everyone who has supported me and my writing since I started blogging in 2014, but I am most certainly at another transition point creatively and in order for me to truly pursue my new passion, chalk art, I have to accept the fact that until I have more free time, I can’t do both, or should I say do both with a proper level of enthusiasm.

With 5 months left on my plan, I will do my best to post every one of those months, but I can’t guarantee that. I can however promise I will have a post in September because I already have the post in the works.

Thanks again for all your support, and I’ll keep you posted on any future writing plans come January with my final Waking the Woman post.

#wakingthewoman#mommemoir#timeflies#transition#acceptance#aging#aginggracefully#somethingsgottagive

The Business That Has Become My Life

So, I made it through my son’s college graduation, moving him home, figuring out where to fit all the stuff that got moved home, purging/cleaning/organizing the basement so we could have a graduation celebration at home, planning/coordinating all that goes into a party, setting up/decorating for the party, the actual party and all that goes into the day of a party, and of course the clean up after the party.

The clean up alone took an entire day because we set up throughout the house to accommodate moving people inside if the threat of severe storms came to fruition. It didn’t, but it was very hot, so I was grateful the option to move inside was available and because of the extra effort to decorate the entire house, the ambiance was festive everywhere in the house.

I was so busy with all of this though, I didn’t even have time to write a post last month. That’s the first time ever in the 8 years I’ve been blogging I didn’t even post just a mini-post stating what was up. I just didn’t have the energy to do so, mentally and physically I was spent.

Added to all of this, the week after the party, my Son was in a car accident en route to taking his girlfriend back home. They were both fine, thank God, but this happened out of state, which added to the complexity of the situation, especially when the car started to overheat when my Son started to drive home.

I won’t get into the details, except to say my Son was stuck out of state for a week until I could coordinate ways to get him and the car back home. Now we’re at the mercy of the supply chain waiting on parts to fix the car.

To say I was moving at full-throttle for month’s between home and work is an understatement, but I kept reminding myself once I got to the other side of the party I’d have some downtime. For me however, downtime just means no extra stuff beyond the normal day-to-day, and week-to-week stuff.

As I’ve noted, I tend to thrive on being busy, and love the feeling crossing stuff off my to do list gives me. BUT, the older I get, and the more I fantasize about retirement, the more I realize that there has to be more to my days than tasks, especially with my day job is gearing back up to pre-COVID shutdown pace, with regular over-time.

The busier I am at work, the more I see the need for me to lighten up at home, but that in itself is a challenge when my brain is hardwired to “be busy.” I know I’ve written about this in the past, and the fact that I’m once again circling back to the subject, just means I haven’t been very successful at “lightening up” on the TO DO List. 

“Stop the glorification of busy. Busy, in and of itself, is not a badge of honor. It is OKAY to not be busy. Repeat this with me: It is OKAY to not be busy.” – Joshua Becker

When I saw this quote on Facebook, it hit me like a lightening rod. I knew the Universe was trying to make a point. A point I was very aware of, but obviously needed to be reminded of.

BUT, trying to reprogram my brain in my early 60’s is not going to be a simple task.

Normally I at least have our Summer Vacation to shutdown, and recharge, but this year we don’t have a real vacation or even a mini-vacation planned. Partly because I was so busy with other stuff I had no time to think about it. But, also because my Son’s post graduation plans where up in the air. I didn’t want to plan something only to find out he couldn’t go because he was starting a new job or even moving.

Vacation truly slows me down for a while beyond the actual excursion because I tend to try to bask in the “vacation chill mode” as long as I possibly can after I’m home. As I like to say “I’m trying to hang on to my vacation shine.”

I can honestly say I’m usually pretty successful with this, for at least a couple weeks, but with no real break on the horizon, I’m not quite sure how I’m going to achieve even just a minimal “vacation chill mode” if I don’t leave home for even just a long weekend.

Being away from home, even if just for a short time, allows me to disconnect from the day-to-day tasks at hand because of course I’m not at home with the stuff that needs to be done staring me down. Granted it will still be there when I get home, but the break, no matter how short, can usually be enough for me to lighten up on when and how soon a task gets done.

With that said, although my Son’s post-college plans are still somewhat up in the air, I do know he’ll be home for a little while longer and have decided I need to find a way to take a mini-escape, if not in August, then September. I’ve been contemplating this idea for a week or two, but confirmed it has to happen when I read today’s Touched by an Angel Calendar Quote “People don’t always have to be busy. Sometimes they should just sit back and enjoy the peace.”

To say the Universe is trying to tell me something is an understatement. 

Of course this means I have something to add to my To Do List, figuring out the when and where to escape to, but it’s something fun to look forward to, and is a means to an end. Just knowing I’ve made the decision to do this helps with me learning how to lighten up on the business that has become my life.

When I was younger, I was not as hardwired with the  “be busy” mentality, I most certainly took more time to play. It’s something that developed the older I got, especially when I became a single parent, doing double duty was the norm.

Now however my Son is grown, and while he’s home can be more helpful around the house. It’s just a matter of figuring out where he can be of the most help and learning to relinquish the reigns, which is easier said than done, when it’s been all me all this time. Basically I’m on autopilot most of the time, and have to learn to stop myself and allow someone else to step in.

We have had discussions about my Son helping more, and he is all in. He knows one day he’ll be on his own, and learning to be self-sufficient is a must.

Since I’ve been doing more OT, I told him helping with dinner is the key spot where I can use assistance. He helps with clean up, but I mean learning how to actually cook, not just throw frozen food in the oven. After all, his Father was a Chef; he’s got to have some cooking skills in his gene pool, right?

I know I have a long way to go when it comes to learning to “lighten up” on my To DO List, but acknowledging I need to and the Universe reinforcing it, opens the door for it to actually come to fruition.

And, acknowledging I could use a little help even with just the day-to-day is a step in the right direction. Granted it’s a baby step, but that’s the only way to start with a change this big.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

#wakingthewoman
#mommemoir
#business
#todolist
#lighteningup
#learningtochill

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

May has been a month filled with a flurry of activity all revolving around the culmination of my Son’s four years at college.

First there was all the ever-changing pre-graduation planning and last minute decisions on my part to create decorations for a mini-family celebration at my Son and his girlfriend’s apartment post the ceremony and lunch.

Then, on May 15th was the actual commencement, which in itself was a day, filled with adventure and ever shifting plans. Not only did the ceremony start at least 30 minutes late, it also ran more than an hour longer than anticipated followed by a massive bottleneck getting out of the parking garage by the arena. 

This of course meant all of our post-graduation plans needed to be rearranged because we were all too hungry to take pictures on campus before lunch, as was the original plan. As my Son said, “ We were all HANGRY.”

So, by the time we all had lunch and got back to campus it was after 5 PM. And, till we got the pictures on campus done it was at least 6:30, so our little celebration at the apartment got cut back to a quick cup of coffee and piece of cake for the road because we all had to drive back home, some with a 3 hour drive.

Good thing we took pictures of my Son and his girlfriend in the apartment by the decorations before the ceremony because by the time we got back to the apartment later in the day, they just wanted get into comfy clothes and veg out.

Despite it all, it was a great day, and we all just rolled with things as they unraveled, which is a good sign for the future.

Bottom line, it brought me great joy to see my Son earn his bachelor’s degree in Game Development and Simulation, a field he’s extremely enthusiastic about, and excited to explore all it’s possibility. Which is another plus, because if he wasn’t excited, all those years in college would be for not.

From there we all had a week to re-group before the big move home.

And when I say big move I’m not under-estimating. We filled 3 vehicles to the brim, and spent at least six hours sorting, packing, loading, cleaning and unloading before it was all said and done. And that doesn’t include the two hours of driving to and from campus.

Thank God my sister and her husband helped, otherwise my Son and I would have been at it well into the wee hours of the night.

NOW though, it’s back to sorting through it all and figuring out what gets stored for when my Son eventually moves out on his own, and what stuff is mine, which I loaned to him to use in his apartment for the school year.

Trust me, this is a major project because it’s not just sorting and repacking, it’s also figuring out where the heck to store it in my house. Good thing I’ve been giving it some thought, and have had a plan percolating for a couple weeks. Plus have the long Memorial Day Weekend to do it in.

Stuff brought home

Once this task is done, we’ll both be able to truly recharge our batteries and take some time to linger in the joy of my Son’s accomplishment. Taking this time to recharge is critical to clear all the stress and anxiety about the future which has built up over the past month or so, which in turn clears the way to truly re-evaluate where things stand as far as my Son’s future.

Organized, repacked and in storage

My Son’s commencement on May 15th set the stage for the start of a new phase of his life, that of being a “grown up” post college graduation. AND, how we both approach this new phase will be critical in determining his success, which is why time to recharge and re-evaluate is a must for both of us.

I need to accept the fact that my Son will need some guidance, but it’s not my place to tell him what to do. As a young adult, he needs to chart his own path unencumbered by how I think he should do things. I can make a suggestion, but ultimately I have to allow him his space so he can learn to be confident in his own decision-making.

For most of his college years I have been working on stepping back and generally only making suggestions if he asked. Sometimes stepping in when an older adult figure was needed, but even then it was generally because he requested it.

As far as my Son’s future plans, we have had some discussions, and to be honest I’ve been pleasantly surprised by what he’s thinking. He has a basic outline set for his future, with a lot of wiggle room of course to allow for any uncertainties that could arise, which is very wise for him to consider.

In addition, since he’s home he is following through with the basic plans he set for himself, which is wonderful. I can continue to work on my stepping back, only needing to inquire how things are going, and encouraging him as he plugs away at charting his future in the “adult world.”

I knew he wanted to just chill for a bit when he got home, so to see him stepping right into working on revamping his resume and checking into not only employment in his field, but temporary employment that pays more than the P/T job he during school is very encouraging.

And speaks volumes as to how successful his future endeavors will be.

He’s even jumped right in to finally dismantling and bagging up the massive Lego world he created in middle school. This world, made up of many sets and original creations covered two 6’ tables with extensions under the tables and two smaller tables. To say it took over a large section of the basement is no lie.

What’s left to pack up. Multiply this by at least 3 and that’s the full world.

Now, packing up the Lego world was a pre-requisite in order for us to have a graduation celebration at home, which is what he wanted instead of at a park or restaurant. SO, I get that his actions are motivated by that, but I see them even more so as a symbol of him ready to truly “grow up” and step boldly into the world of being an adult.

Since he built that world, with every milestone along the way, heading to high school, high school graduation, and starting college, I have asked him about dismantling and bagging sets. Before he started college, he did take down a small section of it, but ultimately left the bulk of it out, which has just been collecting dust all through college.

This world was his refuge during tough times in middle school and high school, so I get that he wanted to hang on to it, but now that he has conquered the toughest part of his climb to adulthood, graduating from college, I do believe he is finally in the right mindset to once and for all let go of that world, which is huge.

One of the many phases of my Son’s Lego world

In doing so, as his Mother, I can find a sense of comfort in knowing that my little boy is definitely not a little boy any more, but a young man on the precipice of great things. Great things I know he’ll achieve because he is ready and willing to step boldly into the future of his dreams.

The question is, am I ready?

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

#wakingthewoman
#mommemoir
#classof2022
#collegegraduate
#uncertainty
#lettinggo
#dreamjob
#growingup
#becominganadult

Uncertainty & Fear of the Unknown

Every day is filled with a lot of the same old, same old, but it also holds the possibility of some uncertainty. 

There are things that could transpire on any given day, at any given time, that are out of our control, like you discover you have no hot water when you go to take a shower or get caught up in traffic backup en route to work which makes you late or a co-worker calls in sick which throws your work day out of whack.

Of course, all of these can be a nuisance and very frustrating, but some how we adjust and move forward. Trying not to let it cause a major hiccup in our day, week or even month for that matter. Every day uncertainties are just part of life. We learn to accept such events, and move forward.

And we most certainly shouldn’t spend time contemplating “what could happen” because that would just drain our energy reserves and make us useless.

There are however uncertainties that we do contemplate, and with my Son graduating from college this month, those are the ones circulating through both of our thoughts, which at times can create great anxiety, or at best distract us from the tasks at hand.

First, there are simple things, like where we should go to lunch after graduation, and when are we moving him home. These uncertainties are only uncertain because of indecisiveness, which when pushed, should be resolved. Frustrating yes, but not enough to cause major anxiety, just enough to cause distraction from the day-to-day tasks until resolved.

Then there are the major uncertainties, like what is my Son going to do once he graduates from college?

Some kids have it all figured out and know exactly where they want to head, especially if it’s grad school. While others want to just pause, clear their head and really take the time to plan, research and then hit the pavement for the career of their dreams.

My Son is somewhere in between these two, which is OK too, but I do believe fear of the unknown is what has at times put him into a state of paralysis which obviously gets him nowhere as far as contemplating his future.

Trust me, I get it. I was beyond scared when I graduated from art school. I also found out quickly getting a job as a graphic designer right out of art school was not an easy feat. I’d hear way too often, your portfolio is good, but you have no experience.

Of course I’m thinking how do I get experience if no one will hire me?

I realized quickly that I’d have to find a way in via another avenue, which in my case became that of a mechanical artist, which before computers was the person who did all the pre-press work by hand. I won’t get into details, but it was tedious work, which involved paying attention to a lot of detail because if you didn’t the job wouldn’t print correctly.

Regardless of how I felt about doing this work instead of design didn’t matter. What really mattered was this was the opportunity to get in on the ground floor and hope somewhere along the way someone in a higher ranking position saw my potential and gave me a chance to prove I could actually be creative too.

Fortunately this route did work, eventually working may way up to an associate designer at the largest advertising agency South of New York, at the time, Earle Palmer Brown in Bethesda, MD, which in turned opened the door to full designer opportunities.

I mention this because trying to convince my Son that he may have to take a similar route in order to reach his dream job of a world builder with a conceptual team for a game design company is hitting some roadblocks.

My Son has the perfect way to possibly get in with a game design company via that of sound and music editing because he took the specific classes necessary to be certified in a program that is used in the industry. When we’ve talked about this prospect, he seemed to agree that this was a very viable route.

When we last spoke about this in March though, he had started to change his tune. He stated he was actually considering just applying for the position he wants, despite not having a portfolio of valid writing work even with me reinforcing what I went through right out of college. I don’t know if it’s because he can’t see the parallels or if it’s a bit of self-sabotage because his fear of the unknown has him back peddling in pursuit of his dream job.

OR, none of the above.

He may just be so overwhelmed at the prospect of what comes next that he’s just not thinking straight. 

Based on the fact that I know he is afraid of what comes after college, I’m leaning towards the concept that he’s just overwhelmed and not thinking straight. Which is actually good, because that means once he’s home and has time to decompress, I’ll have an opportunity to talk some sense into him and hopefully prevent him from becoming frustrated and giving up, which is the most common form of fatigue in any ones job search.

Hearing no too many times is enough to kill your mojo and question whether going to college was even worth it. I most certainly don’t want to see this happen with my Son, because I know he’s very capable of being a great creative force in the world of gaming.

From a very young age I thought he’d end up in film or theater because of his amazing storytelling skills. But as he grew, his interests meandered to the world of gaming, and despite my fears of how consumed he became, with time I realized that this too is a very valid form of entertainment.

AND, indeed takes someone just like him to create the worlds these games are played in. In actuality, creating and producing a game is very much like the process involved in the film industry, and takes just as many people to make it come to fruition.

So, when it came to selecting his course of study for college, game development became number one. This enabled him to marry his love of gaming with computer science, and learn the skills that would actually make him marketable in the gaming world.

Now, here we are, at the point where this concept will be truly tested, graduation and the pursuit of his dream job.

Graduation is 14 days away, and in speaking with my Son yesterday, I can say I was extremely happy to hear that despite the crunch with final projects and final exams, he has been giving his future a lot of serious insightful thought.

He has already started to investigate entry-level positions in the gaming world, and is even thinking out of the box in regards to possibilities. Like working with a company that works with collegiate E-Sports teams, which he was part of all through college. Collegiate E-Sports is still in its infancy, and although this isn’t where he’d want to stay, he would be connected to the industry in a lateral way and use it as a means to make contacts.

Heck, he’s even considered looking into what’s available in the world of board games. Especially games like Dungeons and Dragons, which just like video games, need a world to be created to play within.

I can honestly say I stood in awe of my Son as he spoke yesterday. And although there is still a ton of uncertainty regarding his future, I know he’s got it under control, to a point, and is keeping his options wide open, and very willing to consider any opportunity that could eventually get him into his dream job, no matter how long that might take.

Now though, the focus is on wrapping up his Senior year, getting his diploma, and then taking a little time to decompress and recharge so he’s fully fueled up, ready to face his unknown future with certainty that he’s got what it takes to make his dreams come true.

Stay tuned for updates in future posts regarding not only my Son’s pursuit of his dream job, but my adjustments to having a college graduate back home.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

All images courtesy of 123rf

College Grad and Mom – 123rf  – kozyrevaelena

#wakingthewoman
#mommemoir
#classof2022
#collegegrad
#uncertainty
#fearoftheunknown
#dreamjob
#gamedevelopment
#thinkingoutofthebox

EMPTY NEST BLACK HOLE

The reality of the possibility of a very empty nest is quickly sinking in since my Son went back to school for the Spring Semester of his Senior year.

Granted, my Son doesn’t have a job lined up post graduation, or any prospects that I know of, just yet, but considering his major is video game design, I’m well aware that jobs in that field don’t exist in the area we live. So sticking around home post graduation for an extended period of time doesn’t seem like a possibility.

In addition, his girlfriend and he are getting pretty serious and she may be going to law school post graduation, which means he may very well consider employment near wherever she lands.

I’ve been working on adjusting to my Son getting serious about a girl after not really dating through high school and the first three years of college. As a single mom with only one child, to say this takes some getting use to is an understatement. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled for my Son. It’s wonderful to see how happy he is with her. Plus, she’s not only a sweetheart of a girl, she’s also very ambitious and driven, which has been a positive influence on my Son.

BUT, having both the prospect of my Son really moving away from home, and a serious relationship running parallel is a lot for me digest at once, especially because the relationship itself is still very much new, having just gotten serious in August. The two have been friends since Freshman year, never revealing feelings for each other until the start of this school year, so to say it came out of nowhere is an understatement.

I knew the day would come, but I figured I would have a bit more warning. 

With that said, we are here now, and with each passing day, I find myself bouncing between I’m good, to I’m feeling lonely and maybe I should get a dog. I honestly never thought I’d feel lonely, especially because between working full time, working on establishing my chalk art business, creating new chalk art, writing this blog, and all that goes into owning a home and daily chores, I have plenty to keep me busy and take my mind off the empty house.

BUT, some days it just feels extremely empty.

The irony is I’m actually quite content being by myself, and am basically more of an introvert than extrovert, and although the first semester of my Son’s Freshman year challenged me, as I expected, I actually began to get comfortable with everything. So why I’m going in and out of a funk now is a bit confusing for me.

I’m sure a lot of this ties to the fact that it’s Winter so I’m not out socializing with neighbors like I do during warmer weather. PLUS, because of the pandemic, my Son was home with me taking classes remotely from March of 2020 to August of 2021 when he started his Senior year. AND, during the Fall semester he and his girlfriend visited at least 3 times, and then he was home on Winter break from Thanksgiving till January 23rd, and during that time his girlfriend spent 3 weeks with us, so I had more company than I’m use to and loved it.

Needless to say I got very comfortable with having my Son home and really enjoyed when his girlfriend was there too. It was nice to have company for dinner every night and even hangout and watch TV with them sometimes.

The bottom line, it gave me purpose, I felt needed. The older my Son gets the less he needs me, and with a girlfriend to discuss problems with, I’m certainly not the first one he contacts any more. Which once again is a good thing, but to have it happen sort of all of a sudden, out of nowhere, is harder to adjust to than anticipated. 

Now of course, having a child need you less as they get older is a natural progression, but because of how things have been since COVID my presence in my Son’s life was a bit more prominent for a bit longer, which is most certainly why I’m feeling this transition even more. Had my Son’s college years been “normal” I may not be feeling the emptiness as much. The transition would have been more gradual and I could have worked through these emotions each year leading up to graduation.

BUT, that’s not the case at all. The growth that started was stalled, and put on hold, sort off. Now however, I’m being thrown in the deep end so to speak, and trying keep my head above water.

With Spring and warmer weather not far off, I’m hopeful this will help shake that funky lonely feeling looming in my soul sometimes. Most of the time I’m pretty good, but every once in awhile, the emptiness of the house just really hits me regardless of how busy I keep myself. I know I’ll get past this, but until then I need to honor my emotions for what they are, growing pains.  

Just as my Son is spreading his wings and learning to fly solo, I too need to learn to be more than my Son’s Mom. I need to rediscover me. Rediscover the woman I was before becoming a Mom. Which ironically is why I started to write this blog when he went off to college. And although I have had some growth, I’m now realizing I still have a way to go yet.

Discovering the chalk art has been wonderful for my creative growth, which in turn helps my soul growth, but that’s only part of  “growth beyond parenting.” There’s certainly more growing than I ever considered when I stepped into this adventure I endearingly called “Waking the Woman”

Change is never an easy thing, but it is necessary for any real growth, and I’m guessing based on the loneliness I’m feeling at times I’ve been avoiding some aspects of me that need to change in order to get over this hurdle. What, I’m not sure of though.

As I have noted in past posts, I’m very good at filling my days with tasks. Some fun, some just every day stuff. Basing my personal fulfillment on how much I’ve accomplished. While this certainly helps me cover a lot of ground in a day, which was critical during my heavy-duty single parenting days, I’m now realizing, this behavior is enabling me, allowing me to avoid dealing with what’s going on inside or even keeping me from allowing myself time to “play.”

Not any more though, although the busyness does help most of the time, it doesn’t seem to be working that well any more, if it did I wouldn’t be writing this post. 

SO, is the universe trying to tell me it’s not just about the very empty nest?

Could it also be about getting older and all that goes with aging, especially after the health issues I faced in 2021?

OR, could it be about learning how to lighten my to do list so I have more time to “play?”

OR, could it be I may not want to head into my Senior years alone?

OR, is it all of the above backing me into a corner now that I don’t have the serious distraction of parenting dominating my time?

I’m guessing it’s most definitely all of the above, which makes my journey of rediscovery even more interesting. Not sure I’m ready for that much discovery just yet, but I don’t think I have any say in this journey any more – the universe is in control.

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Empty Nest artwork courtesy of the CHALK Charmer ©2021

https://www.facebook.com/TheCHALKCharmer/

Moving Out – ©123rf studioworkstock

Busyness – ©123rf prettyvectors

Clip Art Courtesy of 123rf

#wakingthewoman

#mommemoir

#emptynest

#emptynestblackhole

#singleparenting

#singlemom

#selfdiscovery

#selfhelp

Hippie State of Mind

Trying to stay positive can be quite the challenge with the pandemic still looming and the media trying to poison our thoughts every day with constant negativity. Yes, you can try to block it all out, but it’s not that simple. With technology what it is, we’re bombarded from all sides with news feed. 

AND, that news feed is generally far from inspiring and uplifting.

“Hippie State of Mind ” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

BUT, by chance one day while scrolling through Facebook I came across the “Imagine Peace” page, which as a John Lennon fan instantly intrigued me, so I checked it out. It’s a simple site with retro images and artwork all promoting peace and harmony. I thought how wonderfully inspiring and uplifting, and decided to follow the page.

Not soon after that, the “Hippie State of Mind” page popped into my Facebook feed and upon checking that page out discovered a site similar to “Imagine Peace” with retro images and artwork, but their messages extend even further than peace and harmony. They touch on your overall mental state and well being from a “Hippie State of Mind.”

After discovering these two sites, I knew I was onto something that could truly help me attempt to attain a positive state of mind in a world full of turmoil and stress. 

“Good Vibrations” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

Since starting to follow these 2 pages, as is normal with the “Big Brother Watching You” Practices of Facebook, I continue to get more and more pages of similar content popping up. Although I’m not thrilled with Facebook tracking me, I do rather enjoy all the upbeat, positive and inspirational quotes with beautiful and retro images surfacing in my feed.

AND, it is because of this; I am working on retaining a “Hippie State of Mind” in 2022 and beyond. Maybe it’s because I turned 60 last year, and am a child of the 60’s and 70’s, or maybe it’s just because like most everyone else, I’m exhausted by how draining the world around me can be. The idea of living in a shack in the middle of nowhere with no TV, phone or Internet sounds extremely appealing some days.

In reality, I know physically running away is not an option, but that doesn’t mean I can’t mentally and emotionally, which in turn will most certainly help my physical health too.

“Flower Power” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

Peace, Love, Harmony, Hope and Kindness are the traits that are fluid with the “Hippie State of Mind.”

All of which help to keep a happy, upbeat and positive state of mind, so, I’m working on keeping this upbeat and positive energy in the flow of my every day, regardless of what I’m confronted with. Granted, prior to this, in general I feel I’ve always tried to live by this type of mentality, but when confronted with situations that test this energy, I haven’t always stayed true to it and let the negativity rule and bring me down.

BUT now, I’m trying to pause when I feel my energy shifting, and remind myself of the importance on hanging onto my “Hippie State of Mind.”

Does this sound like I’m attempting to look at life through rose-colored glasses? Maybe, but with the state of the world right now I think those rose-colored glasses could be very helpful on those challenging days.

“Spread Kindness” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2022

PLUS, if you look back at the state of the world that gave birth to the “Hippie State of Mind” to a point we’re not that far off, and if more people tried to adapt this mentality, we might just lay the ground work for a complete energy shift around the world.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

SO, with that said, if you’re up to it, why don’t you join me on this new adventure for 2022 and beyond, and see if we can shift the negative energy surrounding us to uplifting and positive.

I know it won’t be easy, especially for those who are facing great challenges. BUT, if you start out small, like seeking only positive sites to follow like I noted above, the info you see swirling around you will slowly shift to positive, and hopefully override the massive amounts of negativity trying to take hold.

In the immortal words of John Lennon
“Imagine all the people livin’ life in peace. You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. I hope someday you’ll join us, and the world will be as one”

“Hearts United” – original chalk art by the CHALK Charmer
AKA Mariann E. Danko © 2020

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2022. All rights reserved.

All artwork courtesy of the CHALK Charmer © 2020 -2022

https://www.facebook.com/TheCHALKCharmer/

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#comeongethappy

#positivity

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The Toll of Quarantine on My College Student Son

March 13, 2021 marked one year since I brought my Son home from college for what was only suppose to be two weeks. 

A year later he is still home, taking all his classes virtually.

AND, my how things have changed.

When the COVID pandemic was not yet classified a pandemic, but things were escalating daily, my anxiety levels were also escalating, especially because my Son was away at school. I feared the US would go into lockdown and he would be stuck there. 

As a fan of “The Walking Dead” every end of world scenario was playing out in my mind.

How would I get my Son home if we were in lockdown? What covert operation would I have to pull off? Would I have to dodge law enforcement or the military? Would I be fined if I was caught?

The Walking Dead Characters locked, loaded and ready for action – courtesy of AMC

Granted, some of this is extreme, but a year ago so much was up in the air that anything imaginable crossed my mind.

SO, when the school sent out the plans to send students home for an extended Spring Break I was beyond relieved. No covert operation would be needed. I could pick my Son up in a somewhat normal fashion.

Once he was home I didn’t care what happened, as long as he was home with me. If the world fell apart we’d face it together, just like Rick and Carl.

Rick and Carl facing the end of the world together – courtesy of AMC

And face it we did.

When my Son first got home, I was still working full-time in the office, coming home strung out because I had no clue if I was exposed to the virus. Within a week though the Stay-At-Home Orders were put in place in our state and the official lockdown began. 

Being told I had to stay home and not venture out into the virus-infested world was a huge relief, and an order I was grateful to abide by. We’d make due with what we had and when we ran out of something figure it out then. 

The true test would be how my Son and I handled being home all day, every day with just each other. 

I had finally adjusted to being by myself after a rough Freshman year, and my Son had gotten comfortable with his on-campus college student lifestyle.

He was becoming more independent and he liked it. His visits home up to this time were always relaxed and playful because that’s just what they were meant to be. Breaks from the college workload to refresh and recharge for the next semester.

AND, of course Mom would dote on him because that’s what Mom’s do when their kids come home from college.

Now however, he would be taking classes from home and I would be working from home. Nothing at all like a normal home visit for a college break. 

Add to it, we both had to share the loft where our computers were.

Needless to say it was a bit of an adjustment, but some how we made it work. His irregular class schedule and my flexibility with work hours certainly helped.

Plus I was only home full time for about a month before I was going back into the office a couple times a week which eventually led to full time again by May.

One of my biggest challenges came when I was trying to focus and my Son would decide that’s when he wanted to give me an update on something related to a class, or even just something silly he read and thought I’d enjoy.

Prior to this it was a none-issue because I wasn’t doing work related things at home. BUT, now it mattered, so I had to find a delicate way to let him know it was not a good time and not offend him because I certainly wanted to know about school.

Note, my Son is very random when it comes to informing me about personal things or school, so I have learned over the years to pause when he gets in the mood to talk. No matter when that may be.

The last thing I wanted was to have him think I didn’t care and stop randomly spilling what’s on his mind.

Considering the fact that he still does this, I can say I did not offend him, and we’re all good it that department.

The other key thing at play with my Son home full-time again was and still is the general dynamics between the two of us.

Our relationship as parent and child has been evolving since my Son was a teen, and took on a whole new level when he went away to college. At college, he was maturing and learning to be more independent, and I was concerned being forced to move back home full-time could do some damage in that area.

Something I most certainly didn’t want to see happen.

So I have tried hard to give him space, within limits though, because after all he is still at home under my roof.

There had to be some rules. Like helping Mom with kitchen duties. Something he got out of while in high school, but not now. It was only fair considering I was back to doing more cooking on a regular basis.

When I contracted COVID in late January, my Son had no choice but to step up his game in this area, and I can say he has done it without complaining which is major sign of maturity. 

In the beginning of the stay-at-home orders, because we were both so consumed by what was going on with the pandemic, and my work ours were not consistent, there was a lot of fluidity with household dynamics.

BUT, once my hours went back to full-time and my Son was back working part-time at a local grocery store, I quickly realized our relationship was evolving into a whole new phase. 

The dynamics between the two of us was becoming one of true camaraderie, with a buddy-like quality, and a real sense of respect for each other. Something I happily welcomed and was excited to experience. Were there hiccups, of course, but overall things were changing for the good.

Summer hike in the Poconos

Because of this new-found camaraderie I noticed my Son more willing to open up about his emotions when dealing with being home. Which I was beyond grateful for because otherwise I would not have realized the toll quarantine was actually taking on him.

One of the biggest issues he addresses was a feeling of apathy, and lack of motivation. He noted that at least he was getting his class work done.

Apparently a lot of friends have not been.

As my Son told me the extended virtual learning was taking a toll on everyone he spoke with.

The lack of in-person classes and “real” on-campus life was hindering their desire to perform to the best of their ability. AND this was coming from friends who were actually on campus, but had at least half of their classes still virtual.

Once he told me all of this, I started to better understand some of his not so normal behavior.

My Son has always been a bit of a night owl, and would sleep in as often as he could, which is pretty normal for teens and college students. BUT, things were escalating to the point where he’d be up all night and sleep all day whenever he didn’t need to be up for classes. AND sometimes even when he did have classes. 

This concerned me because how could he be prepared for class if he crawled out of bed 5 minutes before class. Plus be alert enough to actually participate.

And to add to all of this, my Son had finally gotten his computer moved to the basement over Winter Break so he had more seclusion and privacy, which only amplified the night owl problem.

Prior to the move, he was right outside my bedroom in the loft so I could hear him, which meant I could keep tabs on him and make him accountable for his time. Something he didn’t really like.

Although he’s holding his own with classes, despite an issue with one class that’s tied to the instructors, he’s spending the bare minimal of time on his classwork, but certainly spending plenty of time gaming, and watching Anime or stupid videos on YouTube. If he’s not in front of his computer, he’s got his phone and is watching stupid videos there.

Again, I know this is pretty standard for a college kid, but for my Son it’s excessive. It’s most certainly a means of escape.

He’s always spent a lot of time online with friends, either gaming or just BS’ing, but he’d also spend just as much time socializing with his friends in-person, especially on campus.

SO, taking the personal one-on-one side out of the equation was rearing it’s ugly head.

At least when he’s working he gets some one-on-one time with co-workers and customers, but because of the amount of writing one of his classes required he decided to not work during this semester, which just added to the seclusion problem.

I’ve told him his behavior is a sign of depression, and he’s aware of it. YET, he’s making limited effort to break free of the hold the quarantine has on him, which is what concerns me.

In general he seems fine, but because he has no reason to leave the house, and has limited commitments, he’s left to just flounder. 

He is not very self-motivated, which is another issue for another post, so although there are many things he could be doing with his time, he chooses to do nothing. 

I toss out ideas, and make suggestion to help lift him out of his funk, but he dismisses the ideas, even when he knows it’s on him to make the change.

When he was away at college, living on campus, he was starting to get more organized with his time, plotting his days out, prioritizing tasks, etc… He was learning to create structure and order to his days. Even motivated to venture forth beyond his comfort zone.

Last performance with jazz band a week prior to coming home

NOW, all bets are off 

At least he’s getting his schoolwork done, which I have to be grateful for. And, the classes the back half of this semester seem to be more engaging, which seem to be helping his overall mood a little.

BUT, next semester is his senior year and I fear what this extended time at home has done to his overall growth. I’m hoping once he’s vaccinated and can be back on campus, he will be able to pick up where he left off, but until then, I will do my best to help him break free from his quarantine funk.

I will need to find ways to make him more accountable for his time every day. What that is I don’t know yet, BUT if he has to answer to someone other than himself about how he spends his days, maybe that will help.

This is all very new for me.

Usually my Son has had so much schoolwork, and extracurricular activities that I was not concerned about his “veg out time.” I knew he needed it as a means to recharge so I didn’t worry.

Now however all this “veg out time” is doing the opposite.

It’s slowly burning out all the stored charge that motivated my Son to succeed. Apathy is winning and despite still being in a pandemic I have to find a way to reverse this course and get my Son back on track for I hope and pray will be his best year of college, his Senior year! 

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2021. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2021. All rights reserved.

#WakingtheWoman

#MomMemoir

#QuarantineTollOnCollegeStudents

#QuarantineApathy

MONTHLY MEDITATION – SOOTHING MY PANDEMIC ANXIETY

“Music produces a kind of pleasure which human nature cannot do without.”  –  Confucius

Music is an essential part of my day. I can’t imagine an entire day in complete silence. Even when I write I have music playing.

Every day has a rhythm of it’s own, and the music playing can impact the course that day travels.

Being home more now, I’ve found music to be the comfort I need on days that can be emotionally more challenging. Especially when the pandemic was just unfolding and my anxiety levels were off the richter scale.

Putting Pandora on shuffle was and is the magic I need to traverse my day. I never know what genre will pop up, and what song within that genre. I have a very eclectic taste in music and can go from classic rock to jazz to blues to contemporary country in a matter of minutes.

“Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul.” – Plato

There are some songs that can take me on a journey to another time and place in my life. Sometimes it’s like ripping the bandaid off a wound, which can be difficult, but necessary to healing.

BUT, most of the time, hearing those songs releases an endorphin that makes everything around me melt away.

AND, often the music will spur spontaneous dancing.

“And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” – Friedrich Nietzche

Dancing around my kitchen while cooking is pretty commonplace for me, but to randomly start dancing at any given time of the day can be truly liberating.

You might even find me dancing to theme songs to TV shows sometimes. Don’t get my Son started on my whacky dance to “The Walking Dead” theme. It started as a joke, but now I do it just to spite my Son when he’s home from college.

My whole family loves to dance, but I never thought of my spontaneous dancing at home as something more than just that. Now however I’ve realized it’s a means to release anxiety and let the outside world disappear, even if just for those few minutes.

“Everything in the universe has a rhythm, everything dances.” – Maya Angelou

With a song in my heart and a rhythm in my feet, my spirits are lifted and all is well with the world. Which means a lot right now.

Our lives will be forever changed by this pandemic. Some good, some bad, but it’s what we bring out of it that matters most. How we process what we’re feeling and how we handle the ever-changing rules to survive a trip outside our home are key to surviving without a negative impact on us.

By finding the things that bring us peace and joy, and allowing time to escape the mayhem around us, we will become stronger. And in so doing be able to find ways to adapt to our new circumstances in a healthy and happy way.

NOT letting this situation take us down, or should I say take us to the dark side is important. (Sorry watching way too many Star Wars movies with my Son lately.)

When this all started in March, I can honestly say I felt the pull of the dark side starting to swallow me up. Leaving the house felt like a supply run on “The Walking Dead” and my adrenaline was on overdrive.

Two months later, I’ve found myself in a much better place, and can attribute that to being honest with myself, facing the things that were triggering those emotions and allowing things like music to ease my soul and chase the negativity away.

“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” – Wayne Dyer

SO, find that thing that soothes your soul. If you don’t know what that thing is, experiment. Give dancing with abandon through your house a try. If that doesn’t do it for you, keep searching, and in so doing I’ll bet you’ll find a new part of yourself or maybe one that was lost over the years.

Use this new world we’re all adapting to as a means to grow, not stagnate. Then, we will really come out of this situation stronger, and better than when it all started.

Most of all though, be kind to yourself.

AND REMEMBER –

“Every day brings a chance for you to draw in a breath, kick off your shoes, and dance.” – Oprah Winfrey

© Mariann E. Danko and Waking the Woman, 2020. All rights reserved.

Goddess Masthead © Pamela Danko-Stout and Waking the Woman, 2020. All rights reserved.

#WakingtheWoman

#MomMemoir

#StayAtHome

Clipart – ©123rf

Dancing at Home – ©123rf – Arina Voitenko

MID-WEEK MEANDERING – Finding Purpose When Classified Non-Essential

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had major mixed emotions about falling into the category of “non-essential.”

On one hand I’m grateful I can stay at home, and limit my time out of the house to trips for essentials.

BUT, on the other hand I feel guilty and wish I had more of a purpose other than to be at home.